More Watley than You can Stand

Please note that our Articles do not become more Accurate with Time, though Scotch improves their Quality Immeasurably. I do Believe, however, that the Older articles are acquiring a Patina of Historical Respectability, as well as a certain respectable Odor.

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May 2010:

SWAT Team Deployed to House of Gregor Samsa

Devil Complains that Facebook Changed Terms of Diabolical Contract

NASA Sends Tang on Final Mission

Saved From a Rainy Day

European Union Nukes Debt

Denver Happily Concedes Police Duties to Vigilante In Tights

Grasshopper Bailout Could Cost 5 Billion Seeds and Half a Snickers Bar

Teaching a New Dog Old Tricks

BP Quickly Buys All Nature Channels

Iceland Secretly Glad Something Big Enough Happened to Bump Volcano out of News

Lettuce Leaves BLT, Citing Infidelity

Once a Friend... er... Who, Exactly, Are You Again?

April 2010:

Greek Bonds Downgraded; Zeus Sorry He Left Hermes In Charge

Humorists Furious at Arms Race with Tea Party

Large Hadron Collider Strikes Deal with Unilever to Make "Foods of the Future"

A Question of Identity

February 2010:

Supervillain Angered By Obama's Reputation as Greatest Threat to America

State of Massachusetts Hung Over, Can't Recall January

Synthesthete Complains About Off-color Jokes

Nailing Down the Problem in Washington

October 2009:

Experts Say Economic Recovery Hindered by Competence

The Importance of Hitting the Right Button

Recession Leading to Poor Beverage Choices, Says Study

Sign of the Times: Help Wanted

Barack Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize for Not Being G.W. Bush

Questions Arise About White House Dog's Tax Filings

FTC Rules Mean End of an Era for Bloggers

To Tweet, or Not to Tweet

Republican Accidentally Agrees with President about Weather

Fox News Offically Breaks with Reality

Nevada Woman Wants To Know Why She Isn't Part of Conspiracy

Truth in Labeling

February 2009:

Humor Outlets Desperately Recruiting Blacks

Innocent Bears Face Terrible Assault By Dangerous Salmon

Anheuser-Busch, Miller Move to Five-Packs

Vice Verse-a

November 2008:

Obama's First Week in Office Gets Mixed Reviews

Wall Street Bailout Plan Actually Depends On Lassie

iTunes Store Develops Sulky, Emo Sentience

My Kingdom for a Sock (or Two)

September 2008:

Clear Victor in Presidential Debate Seals Election

Errors Prompt Sarah Palin Downgrade from Vista to XP

First Third Bank Acquired By - Wait a minute...

This Slow Day Moved Along with Astonishing Speed

Small-Town Alaskan Pediatrician to Head Walter Reed Medical Center

Bo Peep Loses Sheep to Gamboling Problem

Film Falls Short of Goal to Include Every Living British Actor

The Imponderable Self, or: Why Another Bailout?

May 2008:

Associated Press Article Recipe Stolen, Recovered

Google Sells Iceland, Trades Up to E.U.

GlaxoSmithKline Patch Approved for ChapStick Addiction

A Rare Occasion

April 2008:

Bush Ponders Four More Years

Congress Pledges $40 Billion to Research Rice Alternatives

Reporters Use "Text Speak" In Articles, OMG!

Putting On Youthful 'Airs

"Bittergate" Continues, As Voters Ask: Who Did Obama Bite?

Mother Nature "Wants a TiVo, Dammit"

PsyStar Clones Steve Jobs; Hundreds Dead

Vote Early and Often

Microsoft "Not Evil Enough"; Joins With Rupert Murdoch

Authorities Raid Texas "Star Wars" Compound

Old Man Sues the Sea

It's Not Easy Being Green

Bush, Putin Declare All Nations Part of First World

Airport Security Confiscates Olympic Torch

Cartoon Leper Named Nation's Worst Mascot

Money Isn't Everything, Except When it Is

Obama/Spider-Man Ticket a Winner at Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Debate

Hibernation to Blame for Bear Stearns Collapse

World's Most Intelligent Dog Composes Ode to Beanie-Weenies

Of Iron Chefs and Iron Stomachs

March 2008:

Government Scientists Create World's Smallest News Item

Boeing, Airbus Lose Air Force Contract to Nintendo

Sportscasters Ceasing Coverage of Tiger Woods, Citing Adjective Shortage

Malt does more than Milton can, to justify God's Ways to Man

September 2007:

Iraq Report Overshadowed by White House Furniture Crisis

Marginal Industries Combine Efforts, For What It's Worth

Transformers Musical Tanks, Then Robots, Then Tanks Again

Home, Sweet Home

May 2007:

Four Horsemen Complain Times are Tough

British Tabloid Pays High Price for Wrong Harry Potter Book

Blogosphere Kicked Out of Fourth Estate

Knock, Knock!

April 2007:

Bush's Visit to Baghdad Staged In Los Angeles

Was T. Rex Genetically Engineered? Irresponsible Journalists Say "Maybe"

Times New Roman Bushwhacks Verdana, Calibri

A Modern Flight of Fancy

March 2007:

Massachusetts Distributes Vowels as Economic Stimulus Package

Hearings Seek to Educate Lawmakers on Dangers of Satire

Biggest Obstacle to Education Reform? The Students

I Never Forget a Face, Except When I Do

Early Voting System Gets a Bumpy Test Run in Florida

Americans Frustrated With Lack of Cure for Death

"Sold Out" Broadway Show Can't Sell Tickets

The Mark of a Man (Space Permitting)

December 2006:

Ford Releases Water-Powered Car, But Nobody Notices

Heartwarming Holiday Stories No Piece of Cake, Says Media

Nog Declared Extinct in Norway

Once Upon a Christmas Cheery; or, Holiday with a Monkey

Congress Fails to Streamline Federal Org Chart... Again

White House Surprised That "Hannah Kah" Book Not Earning Points with Jewish Community

Amish Computer Surprise Bestseller of the Season

The Christmas Card Conundrum

America Ceasing Covert Operations, to Perform Skullduggery in Plain Sight

Pro Brushing Circuit Has Its Ups And Downs

Colossal Cave Adventure Proves Hazardous to MIT Students' Health

The Truth of the Matter, I Think

July 2006:

Washington Post Under Fire For Leaking Results Of 2008 Presidential Election

Poet Obtains Restraining Order Against Intrusive Bird

Flat Earth Society Launches Mapquest Rival

A Face For Radio

May 2006:

Did You Hear "Gullible" Isn't In The Dictionary? This Time, It Really Isn't

Parents Discover Son Kept Tuition, Never Enrolled In Viking College

Postum Prices Rising in Lockstep With Crude Oil

Three Is A Crowd, Especially On My Tele-Phone

April 2006:

Thailand Very Sorry It Bought Voting Machines from Florida

Students Flunking Even When They Set the Standards

Darkness and Despair Spread as CBS Doors Open for Katie Couric, Mistress of Evil

Shh... Don't Look Now, There's A Gnome in My Office

March 2006:

Box-Office Hits Prove Arctic Ice Shelf "Okee-Dokee", Says Panel

Company's Gamble on Pork Soda in Middle East Doesn't Pay Off

University of Colorado Scientist Close to Extending Five-Second Rule

I Seem to Have A Lovely Bunch of Cocoanuts

Is Iraq Doing OK? Depends On What Definition of "Is" Is

From Truthiness to Proofiness: The New Scientific Standard

Society for Creative Anachronism Deems Chapter Insufficently Creative

Who Is That Young Fellow in My Photo Album?

Americans Surprised that Milosevic Was Still Alive

Budget Deficit Hidden in Least Interesting Document Format Scientifically Possible

Bob's Not Your Uncle, Says Study

The Adventures of an Accidental Ambassador

November 2005:

Army Using Ashlee Simpson Ringtones to Brainwash Recruits

"Prince" Arrested In California Turns Out to be Real Deal

Google Fights to Avoid Temptation of Dark Side of the Force

The Spirit is Willing, but the Flesh is... Achoo!

Baghdad Trick or Treating Goes Somewhat Awry

Black Knight Sues Royals, Files for ASBO

Plenty of Homers, but Is It Art?

Journey to a Perfect Jack O'Lantern

October 2005:

Investigation Finds FEMA Better Prepared Against Godzilla Than Hurricanes

Congress Tells National Academies "Quit Writing Stuff, Dammit"

Your Ice Cream or your Job? - "Freeze-speak" Gets People Fired

A Little Light Election-season Reading

September 2005:

Iran Warned that "Name Very Close to Iraq"

Unaired CNN Interview With Michael Brown Reveals Who's On First

Kansas School Board Considers Teaching that World Created in 1997

Requiem for Old Toby

August 2005:

Bush Realizes How Easy it is to Govern With Congress in Recess

Illinois Man Applies for Planetary Status

Veruca Salt, Dr Pepper to Divorce

Can You Hear Me Now? ... Actually, No, I Cannot

July 2005:

UK Brews World's Largest Pot of Tea as Anti-terrorist Measure

Religious Scene Stirs Up Controversy over Grand Theft Auto

Disgruntled Harry Potter Fan Releases "Corrected" Version of Book

An Unexpected Guest

June 2005:

New Zealand Running Record Karma Trade Deficit

Supreme Court says Journalists Must Reveal Secret Sauce

Anti-Intellectual Property Policy Proposed

Commencement Address 2005

Family Altered Photo of Missing Child to Get More Help

New York City Invokes Eminent Domain to Acquire New Jersey

Disney Patents Anthropomorphic Genome

Do Not Forget to Write, Sir!

French Vote to One-Up the Dutch, Leave Europe Altogether

Platitude Farm Subsidies Safe from Budget Cuts, Says Administration

ICANN Approves .hill Domain for Hillbillies

The Beard Knows More Than You Think

May 2005:

"Church of Bush" Gets $3 Million in 2006 Budget

Kansas Board of Ed Bans All Theories From Classroom

Elephants make Seismic Rumbling in Iambic Pentameter

I'm Still Here, I Think

April 2005:

Bush Reinstates Draft to Fix Social Security, And Then Some

Trade Group Proposes Making Cuba America's 51st State

Oxford English Dictionary Absolutely, Positively Refuses to List "Smurf"

Tale of a True Believer

New York Daily News and New York Post Simultaneously Buy Each Other Out

Online University Sued for "Spectacularly Useless Degrees"

Episode III Darker Than Anyone Thought: It's Darth Vader, Esq.

You May Already Be A Winner, Sort Of

Government Hoarding Time Acquired Through Daylight Savings

In Boston, Pope John Paul II Communion Wafers Made with Pringles Technology

For Honey Producers, Ads Not So Sweet

The Blind Leading the Blind

March 2005:

Jules Verne Blamed for North Korea's WMD Program

Botanist Loses Funding for Illegal Stem Cell Research

Des Moines Cancels Light Rail Project Because There's Nowhere to Go

Mirror, Mirror

Completely Independent Article Says White House Isn't Paying Off Media Outlets

Serpents Using Immigration Loopholes to Sneak Back Into Ireland

Blondes Still Have More Fun, but Losing Advantage Rapidly

Ephram's Night At the Opera

After 2 Years, Ambassador Learns Luxembourg is a Real Country

Martha Faces Challenge of Merging Corporation with Prison Gang

MIT Study Says Your Computer Never Liked You, And Never Will

Borrowed Treasure

Electronic Monitoring Bracelets Top-selling Gadgets of 2004

Nevada Adopts "Streamlined" History Curriculum

Paris Phone Book Posted on Internet

Not My Cup of Tea

February 2005:

Missile Defense Test a Rousing Near-Success, Says White House

Middle-Wing Media Conspiracy Threatens America's Interest in News

Computer Program Matches Intelligence of Mankind, At Least in California

Too Much of a Good Thing

Vermont Caught Trying to Sneak Over To Canada

McDonald's Rebounds in Japan, Thanks To McPossum Sandwich

Chunk of Universe's Missing Matter Found in Skies over Los Angeles

My Surprising Luncheon Miracle

Bush Proposes Using Freedom to Balance Budget

Blue State Firefighters Make Statement With New Paint Job

Legal Battles Loom Over "Virtual Carson" Project

Getting a Bird's-eye View of Things

January 2005:

America Needs More National Crises, Says Report

Huygens Wants His Probe Back

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt Driven Apart by Wittgenstein Dispute

To Toast, or Not to Toast? That is the Question

President Pledges $10 Thousand to Teach Proper Spelling Of "Tsunami"

French Nuclear Testing Foiled by Pippi Longstocking

Pilot who Drove Plane From Boston to NY Gets Reprieve

It's the Thought That Counts

December 2004:

Embarrassing White House Error Blamed on Democratic Operative

U.S.S. Constitution Makes Drug Bust

A Very Boring Article About President Bush

A Watley Night Before Christmas

White House Announces New Color Alert System, in Five Shades of Red

Physics Teacher Earns Praise, Criticism for "Applied" Exams

Return of the Muppet Sesame Street Tried to Forget

The Modern Spatterdash

U.S. to Deploy Converted Aircraft Carrier with Wheels in Iraq

Prison Riot Traced to Alcohol-filled Holiday Twinkies

Error-filled White House Hanukkah Greeting Fails to Anger Jews

Beware Nephews Bearing Gifts

November 2004:

Homeland Security Plan to Rely on Dinosaur Patrols

China Secretly Towing Taiwan Closer to Mainland

Eisner Accused of War Crimes For Creation of "Higglytown Heroes"

The Tell-Tale Letter

Democratic Party Announces Pro-Puppy Platform

Bush Nominates Sesame Street's Bert as Secretary of State

AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers

The Art of Improvisation

No Valid Votes Cast in Election

Microsoft Insists It Was Capable of Creating Macintosh Virus

Metric Specter Terrorizes Inchville, Ohio

Democracy in Action!

October 2004:

Bush Camp Unnerved by France's Declaration of Support

High Court Validates Treaty Giving Cherokees Control of EM Spectrum

Mysterious Substance Falls from Sky in Southern California

Getting Out the Vote, Or Not, By Jingo

Cheney's Good Looks Give Boost to Bush Campaign

Most Popular Halloween Costume This Year Is Kepler

Some Pop Star Experiences Relationship Scandal of One Sort Or Another

Why Man's Best Friend Cannot Run for President

Al Qaeda May Be Controlling Mt. St. Helens, Warns White House

Merck Rolls Out "Pla-C-Bo" Replacement for Vioxx

NASA Redefines Boundary of Space After SpaceShipOne Flights

In Search of Treats, Lest There Be Tricks

September 2004:

Kitty Kelley Book Alleges Laura Bush Heir to Mustard Empire

New Dixie Cups Modeled on Holy Grail

District of Columbia Schools Substitute Harlequin Romance for Hemingway Classic

Bare-Knuckled Politics

August 2004:

Veteran's Group Now Says Kerry Never In Vietnam to Begin With

Open Source Technology a Security Risk, Says Ashcroft

Genetically Modified "Marathon Mouse" Strain Escapes into Wild

Luck to Spare

Bush Formally Gives Iraq the Letter K

New Jersey Governor Sends Multi-Decade PR Campaign Down the Drain

Solipsism Conference Canceled Due to Lack of Participants

It is Difficult to move Forward when Looking Back so Far

Dick Cheney Publishes Children's Book to Soften Image

Bogus PDA Vaccine Fools Thousands

Athens, Georgia Despairs over Loss of Olympics

Called to Action Once Again

July 2004:

DNC Hired Mark Burnett to Try and Liven Things Up

Environmentalists, Animal Rights Activists Can't Decide What to Think about New Sheep

For Rolls-Royce, There Is Such a Thing as Too Much Luxury

I Shall Have your Secrets, Diet Pepsi!

White House Suggests Reinstating Literacy Requirements for Voting

Californians Taken Aback by Governor's Strongarm Tactics

Whale Commission Condemns Oil Development, Considers More Drastic Measures

A Modest Proposal in an Immodest World

Hyperbole up One Million Percent, Say Experts

Johnson & Johnson Scrambles to Explain Rise in Profits

Britney Changes Wedding Plans Again, to Become Nun Instead

The Perils of not Waxing (Philosophical) Enough

June 2004:

NATO Headaches Ensue when Bush Visits Turkmenistan Instead of Turkey

Norway Files for X-Prize, Claiming Vikings Beat SpaceShipOne to Space

Mathematicians Stunned when Computer Reaches Final Digit of Pi

A Diamond in the Too-shiny Sand

Rumsfeld Admits He Told Military to Hide Iraq Invasion from Red Cross

New Era Ushered in by SpaceShipOne a Disappointment So Far

Martha Stewart Canned Goods Selling Briskly

My Kingdom for a Subject (so to Speak)

U.S. Deciding Whether To Use FedEx to Ship Hussein Back to Iraq

Bloomsday Virus Inflicts James Joyce on Mobile Phone Users

WB Launching Americanized Harry Potter Series In Fall 2004

Woe to the Office Without a Woman's Touch

Lawyers Conclude President Not Bound by Laws of Physics

AIBO Society Petitions AKC For Recognition

Movement to Canonize Reagan Thwarted by Fact that He Wasn't Catholic

Beware Graybeards Buying Gifts

Earthquake Memo Causes More Trouble for White House

Italy Issues Guidelines for "Authentic" Mafia

Researchers Close to Understanding "Turn Signals"

The Truth is Out There, Sort Of

May 2004:

Kerry Challenged on Shift in Ketchup Position

Starbucks Coffee College Not Producing Enough Engineers, Says Governor

DNA Study Finds Chihuahuas Aren't Dogs

Zounds! I am Unmasked!

Rumsfeld Denies Knowledge of Scandals No One Knew About

Cicadas Declared Legal Tender to Boost Economy

Elmo Declares Run for Congress

Play By the Book, For Heaven's Sake

ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL: By Thunder, We're Still Here

Kinko's Copying Error Erases Eighth Amendment

Bush Calls War on Terror a "Giant Game of Checkers"

Schroedinger's Cat: Key to Capital Punishment Alternative?

Ship in a Pickle Jar

Governor Schwarzenegger Announces the California Dihydrogen Monoxide Network

Greece, Turkey Threaten Ten-Year War

Cleveland School Superintendent Pays $20 Million for Space Trip

A Pestilential Postal Problem

April 2004:

Typos on New $50 Bill "Security Features," Insists Treasury

Midwestern Monkey Shortage Reaching Critical Levels

David Bowie Missing Since 2001, Says Wife

Mona Lisa Smile Lines

"Bush Supporters Anonymous" Try To Kick The Habit

Virginia Schools Cut Math Classes to Increase Lottery Sales

Pygmy Moose Scam Traced to Canadian Government

The Only Certain Things are Death and Taxes

Next Target in War on Terror: Spain

"Bling Bling" Not Deductible, Says IRS

India Begs US To Stop Outsourcing Customer Service Jobs

Sunday Driver

California Bids for Water from Hudson River

Food Guide Pyramid Rejected as Masonic Symbol

Murdoch Hands Media Empire to American Amphibian

Batten Down the Hatches!

March 2004:

FCC Fines NPR for Use of Word "Kerry"

Stealth Aircraft Show Disappoints Crowd

Poultry Industry Seeks Chicken that Doesn't Taste Like Chicken

Be Careful What You Ask

Russia's Nuclear Fleet Not So Nuclear, Says Admiral

Maryland Motto Sends Wrong Message, Say Opponents

Rock Paper Scissors tournament Marred by Steroid Use

A Most Pleasant House-Call

Missing Page of Constitution gives President New Powers

Bush Reconsiders Mars Plans with Discovery of Dihydrogen Monoxide

McDonald's Seeks to Improve Image by Frying Healthier Things

Do you have a Minute? I do

Internet Goes on Strike

Quizno's Snatches Meal Contract from Halliburton

Good-Smelling Condors Years Away, Warn Scientists

By any other Name, it Smells as Sweet

Archaeologists find Amtrak not Extinct After All

Martha Stewart Not Charged with Murder, say Prosecutors

Ethics Conference to Focus on Coffee

Sincerely Yours, I suppose

February 2004:

Halliburton Files for Nonprofit Status

Leaked Microsoft Code contains Romance Novel

Study: Rattlesnakes make Poor Pets

The Man in the White Hat

Bush's Records Reveal He's a Hero

Astronomers make Important Discovery No One Understands

Too Soon to Tell if Ancient Greek Drama Making Comeback

Do Not Call Me, I shall Call You

President's Budget Hits NY Times Bestseller List

"Boring" Nature Threatens Habitat Monitoring Project

Cordon Bleu Adds Class on Microwaving

Good to the Last Drop

Census Fraud Uncovered; New Hampshire Revealed to be Small, Unimportant State

Dandelion Bioterrorism Attack Thwarted in Connecticut

Truffula Trees Removed from Endangered Species List

The High Price of Success

January 2004:

New Homeland Security Center to Focus on U.S. Popularity

Gondor Accepted into United Nations

Vatican Revokes Controversial Sainthood

I am Ready for my Close-Up

NASA Rover finds Olestra in Martian Soil

Bush to Help Frozen Northeast with Heat from down South

Montana High Court rules Tanks Have to Go

Taking the Measure of a Man

California Budget Cuts Eliminate University System

Democratic hopeful Kucinich wants to recall Mars Rovers

Scholars Debate Significance of "Dickens Code"

The Cows are Angry, Alas

Airport Security Policy Boon to Caricature Artists

Mars Mission Success Attributed to Corporate Endorsement

Another "Star Trek" Prediction Comes True, Unfortunately

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot, Send a Letter

December 2003:

Time Capsule reveals New Set of White House Tapes - from 1903

Y2K+4 Bug Not Receiving Enough Attention, Say Experts

Macy's Holiday Sales Offset by 135% Return Rate

Resolutions Past, Present and Future

White House Announces Hanukkah to be Moved to October

Justice Department Alleges Poinsettia Monopoly

Secret Ingredient Gives Applebee's A Boost

A Watley Christmas Carol

Fox Lays Off "Superfluous" Journalists

Hussein Capture Stigmatizes Holes, Say Hobbits

Wal-Mart Enters Auto Industry

The Last to Know

Clinton Endorses Jimmy Dean for Democratic Candidate

The Secret's Out: It's Emeril Lagasse, Ph.D.

Mickey Mouse Leaves Disney

'Tis the Season for my Nemesis, the Nutcracker

Lost Colony of Roanoke Found Alive and Well

Lawsuit Seeks to Exterminate Polar Bears Because They're "Too Interesting"

Poetic Cereal Box Collection Bequeathed to College

Nature, Red in Tooth and Claw

November 2003:

Bush Visits UK, Declares American Independence

Internet News Unreliable, Say Researchers

Charity Raises One Million Crossword Puzzles

From Edinburgh to Edo: A most Shocking Turn of Events

Schwarzenegger Mispronounces Oath of Office; New Recall Election Mandated

Mississippi Passes "Nano-whatchamacallit" Initiative

Hallmark Considers Movie Based on Greeting Card Character

T. Herman Zweibel Won't Return My Calls

Military Wants To Embed Reporters Again - Back Home

White-collar Poetry Jobs Moving Overseas

Jessica Simpson "A Godsend" To Network TV

My Unexpected Cookie Conundrum

Apple to Release iTunes for OS/2 Warp, Says IBM

Theologians Perplexed by World's Failure to End

Boyardi Crime Family Still Going Strong

Twelve Angry Men, and Me

October 2003:

Sharp Rise in Gambling Addiction Among Armed Forces

Vuitton Lawsuit the First of Many in France

Yankee Loss Due to Daylight Savings Error

Who Turned Out the Lights?

Schwarzenegger's Latest Role a Hit with President

New $20 Bill Already Causing Controversy Already

Electricity Squeezed out of Beer

The Color of Money

Bush Announces Iraqi Tax Cut

Sharks Not Cooperating at National Aquarium

Canada Crippled by Article Shortage

Alas, Ephram, You've Gone Too Far

Davis Says Schwarzenegger's Not Human

Second Grade Class Wins Grant to Teach about Dinosaurs

Many False Starts for Nabisco Vaccine Project

California's Fragile State of Affairs

I Herewith Do Formally Concede The Race, By Jingo (Concession speech, Gubernatorial Election, 2003)

September 2003:

Microsoft takes Cue from RIAA, Sues 6,300 Satirists

Nigeria Launches Anti-Embezzlement Satellite

Norelco-Nokia Merger Called Off

An Eye for an Eye

Exxon Mobil Plot Stranger Than Fiction

Japanese Cabinet Includes More Robots

Space Elevator Project Hits Snag

There And Back Again

Iraq Occupation Hampered By Translator's Illness

Schwarzenegger Promises Quick Vote Over EU Entry

New Environmental Policy A Matter Of Perspective

Where in the World is Uncle Zeke?

* Special Feature: E.F. Watley's Trip to Trepanning

Bush Establishes New National Lab In Texas

Florida Law Lets Students Skip High School

Harvard Not Founded By Pirates, Say Experts

Remembrance Of Things Past: The Eyes Have It

Army Admits Testing Suits On Children "Not Very Smart"

U.S. Demands China Pick Simpler Name For Currency

MTV Producers Arrested For Trying To Incite Spears/Aguilera Fight

A Laborless Day

August 2003:

Greenspan Says Informed Consumers Threaten American Economy

Texas Democrats Head To International Space Station

Denny's Licenses Ham Spray Machine

A Turn In The Trenches

New York Reports Thousands Of UFOs During Blackout

Poll: England Wants Its Monarchy, But Not Its Monarch

JPL Gets Back To Basics: Jet Packs

Time To Do My Bit, With Six Degrees

U.S. Says Diplomacy, Not War, Answer To Mordor's WMD

Family Sues School Over Blank Books

Linguist Baffles Conference By Explaining Own Theory

To Run, Or Not To Run? - Alas, I Must

Pope, President Agree; Not Sure What To Do

New York, London Battle Over Sussex Fossils

Seven-Eleven Sued Over "Big Gulp" Coffee Burns

My Cravat Is Trying To Kill Me

July 2003:

France Bans The Letter E

General Motors Purchases Indian Languages

Metric System To Blame For Increased Food Portions

On The Building of Nations

Patriot Act Amendment Grants Power to Librarians

Utah Man Arrested for Polygamous Livestock

Army Creates Mac-Compatible Battalion

California Announces New Earthquake Shelter System

Disney Sting Raises Legal, Ethical Issues

Alabama Ends Canine Driving Licenses after 47 Years

Nation Misplaces Rhode Island

Iraq Claims Hulk Infringes on Copyright for Epic of Gilgamesh

New Textile Effective Against Nudity

June 2003:

FEMA Plans Tornado-Powered Electrical System

Third Council of Nicea Issues Proclamation on Recycling

Study Supports Effectiveness of Nacho Diet

Bush Administration issues Letters of Marque to Airlines

DEA Breaks Up Coke Distribution Ring in Atlanta

Inventor Killed at Cat Show

American Wildlife Less Well Educated than Asian, European Wildlife

Lard Not A "Natural Flavor," Says FDA

Medical Insurance to Cover Vodka

North Carolina, North Dakota Form Northern Defense League

New Toyota Prototype Violates Japanese Constitution

Starbucks Expansion Theorem Proven

May 2003:

Typo Sidelines Tort Reform

Government Explores Exporting a Different Kind of Labor

Frosting Migration More Serious Than Previously Believed

Lawless Province Makes it Hard for Aid Workers to Keep Feet on Ground

Town Uses Ebay to Recoup Festival Losses

J. Lo, Paramour Dine on $300,000 Sandwich

Rumsfeld, Ashcroft at Odds Over Deportation of Roswell Aliens

Survey Links Telephones to Gastrointestinal Ailments

Google Buys Iceland