'Tis the Season for my Nemesis, the Nutcracker

As December rears its frosty Head and the mornings become Crisp and Brisk, necessitating an extra-thick Frock-Coat and a delightful variety of hot Toddies in the evening, the bowls in my Office are filled with one of my Favorite seasonal Treats: the noble Nut.

In this respect, I am a Gourmand - walnuts, almonds, pecans, filbert, Brazil-nuts, and even roasted Chestnuts are like miniature Treasure-chests piled High, each with its small golden Nugget inside, waiting to be Unlocked. Ah, one of Life's small Pleasures.

But the Key, alas, is rather a seasonal Menace: the heirloom Watley Nut-Cracker. Grimly do I open its weathered Box each year to Place it in its accustomed Place upon my Mantel. It stands a silent wooden Sentry, in the usual Form - a redcoat Soldier wielding a chipped Saber, wide eyes Staring above a bushy Beard. His gold-painted Buttons glint menacingly in the Firelight, his bared Teeth breathe a mocking Reproach, as they have done for as many a Year as I can recall.

Why? For this silent holiday Sentry absolutely, positively will Not assist me in cracking a Nut. The story is the Same, year after Year: I lift the Tail of his long red Coat, his jaws open Wide, a Nut goes in... and Pops out again unscathed! In go the Walnuts: out they slide, onto the floor. Almonds grind Pointlessly, filberts need not Apply - I gave up on the Brazil-nuts years ago, they are Impenetrable as Fort Knox. And pecans? - this remarkable Soldier has the singular Habit of spitting them Out like a small Gatling-Gun, clear across the Room. I nearly took Ephram's eye out last year, poor devil. It is a good thing that he Slouches.

And so each year I end up giving up after a long Struggle, muttering into my Beard as I pound the Nuts on my Desk with a handy Ink-bottle. I tip poor Elisabeth well as she dutifully helps the scattered Shells and ink-stains Vanish from my Desk each year, until the season Passes and I can place the Nuctracker back in its Box for another Year.

But what's this? - Elisabeth has left me a Can... a Can full of glorious Nuts free from their Prisons! There they lie in a Heap, already Shelled and ready to Eat - I cannot believe my Eyes! All my Favorites are there - and not a One needs the futile ministrations of that confounded Nutcracker! What a marvel of the modern World this is, what fabulous Canning technology has been laid Before me, under the proud Aegis of a monocle-sporting Peanut! Elisabeth, your holiday Bonus shall surely be Doubled this year - I crunch Away in Glee!

Hmmph. Do you know, that Nutcracker does have rather a Festive air up there on the Mantelpiece after all.