Vol. 8, Issue 1, February 9, 2010
Supervillain Angered By Obama's Reputation as Greatest Threat to America
Supervillain Doctor Sinistro, who gained notoriety in 1994 when he kidnapped the entire population of Kentucky, is furious that he is considered less of a threat than the American president, according to sources in his island fortress.
"I spent years working to attain a reputation sufficient to strike fear into the hearts of the world," growled the imposing figure as he sat atop his throne in the West Tower, a spiky black protruberance on his fortress which contains the so-called 'Million-Mile Laser', with which he periodically threatens various countries. "This Obama is - what - black? So what? I throw people to tigers on a daily basis, for crying out loud. I even televise it for people with the expanded Dish network package. This is high-definition, wanton carnage!"
Sinistro's pique apparently stems from recent reports that, with Obama in office for just over a year, the Secret Service has seen a 400% rise in threats against the White House since Obama took office and that its budget is strained.
"Didn't I strain their budget when I sent those cybernetic death wombats down Pennsylvania Avenue in 2003?" said Sinistro. "They may not have been tall, but they bit the shins of an awful lot of Washingtonians. Everyone in the Capitol limped for days! Mu ha ha ha!"
Among other shortcomings, Sinistro derides Obama for his lack of a swirling dark cloak, the total absence of an ominous soundtrack, and for bringing his family into the White House.
"You don't see me making quality time for the missus," sneered the evil genius with a deep, resonating chuckle from within his helmet. "That alone should designate him as unworthy to contend with the greatest threats in the world. Such as I. Did I mention that I'm a threat? Did you see my army of evil reptile-men on your way in? Did you?"
His mild-mannered demeanor notwithstanding, Obama's rise to power has caused a massive surge of sales in firearms - leading to an actual shortage in some areas - and incessant accusations that he embodies the essence of marxism, atheism, fascism, Islamic extremism, liberalism, the anti-Christ, or some combination of all these traits.
"An atheistic Islamic extremist!" said Sinistro incredibly. "A fascist marxist? Talk about your mixed messages. People can't even agree on why they hate him! See, I am a straight-up totalitarian dictator. There's no ambiguity about what I embody, or why you should hate me. You can find a complete list of my abhorrent beliefs in the 'Little Black Book,' which is mandatory reading for all my subjects and is available online."
However, Doctor Sinistro's efforts notwithstanding (including the destruction of Mount Rushmore, the Liberty Bell, and Grauman's Chinese Theater this week via giant laser, meteor, and Hannah Montanabot, respectively) Obama still has far more hate websites than Sinistro, by a margin of three to one.
"Maybe it's because he's from Chicago," mused the despot. "That does give him a lot of street cred in the supervillain world."
