Vol. 1, Issue 28, November 25, 2003
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot
No Apologies Press

Bush Visits UK, Declares American Independence

President Bush finished a weeklong trip to the United Kingdom last Friday by officially announcing to Queen Elizabeth that America had declared independence.

"I have a little document here I think you ought to know about," said Bush as he handed the surprised monarch a folded photocopy from his pocket during a ceremony at Buckingham Palace. "It's called the Declaration of Independence." The president then faced the cameras and read forcefully from a card in his hand:

"When in the course of human events... well, whatever that means; what I mean is, that these united colonies (and that's us, now) are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allergies - allegation - allegiance to the British Crown. And that's you, ma'am."

The unrehearsed event was evidently the president's own idea.

"Laura was telling me about the Declaration of Independence last week and I realized that no president had ever come over to give it directly to the king or queen of England. Can you imagine that? Now I can't explain why that is - I'm not an historian - but I'm a man of action, and I say it's time someone took care of this."

Prime Minister Tony Blair, looking somewhat puzzled, emphasized in a press conference immediately afterwards that Bush's presentation of the Declaration would in no way impact the alliance between the US and the UK.

"Our joint resolution in the matter of Iraq is firm, and we do not foresee any changes in our resolve or our steadfast opposition to the forces instigating violence in the Middle East," Blair assured reporters.

"Except for anything involving tea," interrupted Bush. "We had a little thing in Boston called the Boston Tea Party, and you might want to check that out before making unilateral tea-related decisions."

The president's announcement garnered mixed reactions from the world community.

"Well I am not really sure that this point needed a whole lot of clarification," said UN Undersecretary-General of Economic and Social Affairs Jeffrey Goldberg. "However, no one can dispute that George Bush was taking a stance on a very well-established cornerstone of American foreign policy which is probably beyond refutation." Observers speculate that the president, beset by dwindling approval ratings and increasing opposition from the Democrats, was attempting to make a bold stance that would not be open to criticism.

The Queen offered no objection to the Declaration of Independence put forth by the president.

"Why would we object to the Americans leaving our commonwealth? For heaven's sake, we would be mad not to get rid of them," she said. "Did you see what they did to the palace grounds?"


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