Vol. 8, Issue 4, May 11, 2010
European Union Nukes Debt
Taking a much stronger stand than anyone had anticipated, the European Union announced that they have taken the overwhelming debts plaguing EU members Greece, Portugal, and Spain to a small island in the Aegean Sea and blasted them with nuclear weapons.
"There was a strong feeling that we needed to make a statement that we are backing the Euro up no matter what," said Elena Salgado, the Spanish finance minister, who announced the solution. "There were talks about throwing enormous sums of money at the problem. But then France spoke up and said, 'hey, we have all these weapons of mass destruction we're not using - why not think outside the box?' After that, consensus was very easy for us to reach."
The deficits were transported to the island on board extremely expensive yachts, where analysts have noted "a lot of the missing money is already located," seized from unnamed government officials throughout the beleaguered mediterranean countries. The yachts arrived on Sunday evening, and within less than an hour, the entire island was vaporized in a thirty megaton explosion.
Markets around the world were ecstatic at the news, rising sharply on the news of Europe's bold approach towards ensuring the strength of the Euro. However, some countries outside the EU were startled by the event.
"Are you people out of your minds?" said Colonel Boris Petrov of the Eastern European Advance Defense Grid, his eyes bulging. "At least give us a phone call, or send a Tweet or something. Our advance missile defense stations in the Ukraine went berserk when they saw that island light up on the monitors! If our missile control systems had been functioning, something serious might have happened."
"We strongly caution the European Union to reconsider such rash action," added Chinese Minister for Finance Xie Xuren. "The Euro is dangerously unstable if it requires nuclear weapons to prop it up. We rigorously control our own currency with nothing more than tactical weapons; tanks at the most."
Greece is preparing for the radioactive fallout from the explosion, which is expected to blanket the Balkan peninsula. However, with its debts wiped out and its first balanced budget in 50 years, the country is not complaining.
"We can afford iodine pills for every man, woman and child!" beamed George Apostolos, Greek Minister for Foreign Affairs. "And you should see the new jacuzzis I'm having installed in the Ministry. This decision by the finance ministers is positively liberating!"
The White House reaction to the EU plan for deficit elimination was muted; the president stated in a press release that America "stands by the decisions of our allies in Europe." However, there were some in the United States who had more to say.
"Aw, shoot!" said former president George W. Bush. "Now why the heck didn't I think of that?"