Vol. 3, Issue 21, October 18, 2005
A Peerless Liniment Experience
The Dept. of Social Scrutiny

A Little Light Election-season Reading

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

I stride into my Office this morn to find a most Pungent and familiar Odor pervading the place. It is Acrid and Strong: and at first I suspect my Nephew's unwholesome presence to be the Culprit (possibly his Shoes). However, a bit more Reflection and a fresh Pipe refresh my Memory and remind me of this most familiar smell: it is the scent of Politics, an odiferous Harbinger of the coming Election. What fun!

Quickly I rush to my Desk and sift through my morning Mail to find the source; and my search is not Disappointed: an Election Guide, by Jingo! Eagerly do I open it, savoring the Musty smell of government Printing-Ink. It is the smell of incipient Democracy. Marvelous indeed; what a Pity that election-time comes but once a Year, more or less.

The guide of course is a Who's Who of this year's Candidates, a social register worth Savoring and chortling over down at the Club with friends and a very fine Port. But first there is the more Business-like matter of the marvelous little narratives therein: the Propositions. Reading these requires not the smoky Camaraderie of the club, but the solitude of one's Office and some very strong Scotch.

Quickly I scan the offerings: Twenty nine Propositions! A delightfully rich offering indeed. Eagerly I scan the first. Alas: its meaning eludes me. I take a dram of Glenmorangie and try once More. The words march before me, but I might as well be examining Linear B or Sanskrit. Three drams then; Four! And at last, the words begin to Behave, to sort themselves into a semblance of the English tongue.

"Proposition 213: Retroactive reapportionment of fiduciary adjustment pursuant to..." Pursuant to what? Another dram, and I fortify my desk with a few choice Legal Tomes from my shelves. Aha! Fiscal import... Lepodactylus furnarius... Sacramento redistricting... A half-hour of careful Study leads me to the inescapable Conclusion that this proposition would create a new lateral inverse Subdivision of a certain state Agency with an annual budget of $87 million, staffed entirely by an obscure neotropical species of Frog.

Having teased out this nugget of Truth from the inscrutable pages of the Voter's Guide, I congratulate myself with a fresh Pipe and stand to stretch a bit. A grand and glorious day of Puzzle-solving awaits me, twenty eight more Propositions upon which to Ruminate. With any luck, I shall understand the Gist of all of them before Tea-time; a few weeks of further cogitation and Research should help me understand how best to cast my Vote in each instance. Are we not Fortunate to have such worthy and well-reasoned Propositions to consider? Is it not Remarkable that our citizenry may propose such sweeping Laws with a mere few thousand Signatures, bypassing our elected officials Entirely to let our public Policy depend upon the collective Wisdom of an attentive Public?

I trust, of course, that All citizens are spending a Like amount of time in the thorough examination of this weighty Voter's guide. Get out your Law-books and your Glenmorangie, good readers, and cancel all your Appointments for the next several weeks! Surely, to go to the polls Otherwise would be unwise. Don't you think?

Bookmark and Share