Vol. 2, Issue 14, April 6, 2004
Food Guide Pyramid Rejected as Masonic Symbol
Senator Jim Bunning (R - Kentucky) has recommended that the Food Guide Pyramid be discarded because it is actually part of a pervasive Masonic conspiracy.
"I asked myself, why did the USDA use a pyramid to educate our nation - especially our children - about what to eat?" Bunning said in a press conference on Monday. "Did the ancient Egyptians know more about a healthy diet than we do? I don't think so, ladies and gentlemen."
Bunning suggests that America's well-documented dietary woes, including a growing epidemic of obesity and heart disease, may be rooted in the widespread use of the pyramid, which may have a "sinister motive" as yet unexplained.
"I don't know who's a member, or what they're up to, or what items like this pyramid mean, or what the Masons stand for or anything," Bunning added. "But I can tell you that the Freemasons are the biggest threat to American security today outside of Al Qaeda."
The Food Pyramid was introduced in 1992 as one of the latest steps in a decades-long effort to educate Americans about the components of a healthy diet. The pyramid was used, according to the USDA, because it effectively portrayed the variety of foods recommended, proportionality and moderation.
"It's easy to remember, that's all," said perplexed USDA spokesperson Tiffani Klein. "Who are the Freemasons anyway?"
The Freemasons are a secret society founded in the 18th century; many of America's Founding Fathers were Masons, and there are reflections of strange Masonic symbols throughout the country. Many have pointed to the mysterious pyramid on the back of dollar bills as evidence that secret societies already control the U.S. government.
Others feel that Bunning is right to distrust the pyramid, but that he is misinterpreting the symbolism.
"The pyramid is obviously a subliminal way of indoctrinating our youth with the notion of a caste system," said Tampa Bay Correspondence School professor Luke Cardwyn. "The tip, or apex, represents the "rich" foods; the bottom of the pyramid is the "grains" group, millions of faceless grains toiling in anonymity to make the complex carbohydrates that sustain society. It's reprehensible social manipulation."
Bunning has proposed replacing the pyramid with a rectangle or parallelogram.
"Now, if it were a rectangle, we could use the American flag as a model," he said. "The red stripes would be the meat group, obviously, and the white would be the grain, like in white bread. That leaves the blue field for fruit and the stars for fats and sweets."
When a reporter noted that this model omitted vegetables, Bunning brushed aside concerns. "Aw heck, I never eat 'em and I'm healthy as a horse." He also noted that equating the meat group with the grain group made "perfect sense" for anyone following the news on the benefits of a low-carb diet, and would act as a boost for the beef industry as well.
The White House has reacted favorably to Bunning's suggestion, and has additionally proposed dissolving the USDA for its errors.
"The "Food Flag:" I love it," President Bush said. "Is there nothing the Stars and Stripes can't do?"