Vol. 2, Issue 33, September 28, 2004
New Dixie Cups Modeled on Holy Grail
In a bizarre modern twist to an old legend, the Georgia-Pacific paper goods conglomerate has apparently obtained the Holy Grail and plans to use the relic to launch a new line of Dixie brand paper cups.
"We are pleased to have succeeded in this quest which has frustrated so many worthy individuals," said CEO Pete Correll, holding the softly luminescent cup aloft at a packed press conference. "In finding the Grail, we hope to bring it out of the murky depths of legend into the bright new world of the 21st century. Clearly, the best way to do this is through our quality line of Dixie brand paper cups."
The Grail is a legendary sacred vessel, at times identified with the chalice of the Eucharist or cup of Jesus Christ; some legends assert the Grail was used to collect Christ's blood after his crucifixion. The great body of the Grail stories came into existence between the years 1180 and 1240; its precise significance generally left vague and undefined, an elusive spiritual goal towards which knights of Christendom flung themselves in perpetual futility. Despite the doubtful provenance of the legend, it has enjoyed persistent interest since the 13th century and has been the subject of popular books and movies ranging from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade to the Da Vinci Code.
When Correll was asked how Georgia-Pacific had obtained an item which had eluded public scrutiny for centuries, he noted that the company has 55,000 employees in North America and Europe.
"We have a few more resources at our disposal than a bunch of knights wandering in the forest," he said smugly. He refused to comment on rumors that the Grail was purchased on Ebay.
The new line of Dixie cups will be made with a gold-foil print paper which has been touched by the Grail. According to Catholic doctrine, anything which is touched by a first-degree relic acquires some of its virtue and is transformed into a third-degree relic; consequently, each of the millions of paper cups sold by Dixie will be considered third-degree relics.
"It will bring a whole new experience to brushing your teeth," enthused Correll, displaying his own gleaming smile.
The Vatican has issued conflicting statements on the matter, apparently unsure whether to acknowledge the Grail as a genuine relic.
"We're not saying the Grail is a genuine relic," said Cardinal Carlos Hernandez in a press statement. "And while we appreciate that no specific benefits of salvation are being claimed by Georgia-Pacific in the sale of these disposable paper cups, it is nonetheless distressing to think that they will end up in the trash."
Despite the enthusiastic response to the Georgia-Pacific announcement in America and Britain, at least one international competitor, French company Chateaufort, is unconcerned about its competitor's acquisition of the Holy Grail, with CEO Guy de Lombard asserting his company was "not keen" on Georgia-Pacific's "obsession" with the Grail.
"We've already got one, you see," he said.