Vol. 2, Issue 27, July 13, 2004
The Power of Lemons and Onions!
DeadBrain USA

Britney Changes Wedding Plans Again, to Become Nun Instead

In the latest twist to troubled singer Britney Spears' tumultuous love life, the singer has abruptly broken off her recently announced abrupt engagement to dancer Kevin Federline.

"Being engaged to Kevin was, like, really neat and stuff, and it was sweet of him to dump his pregnant girlfriend to be with me," said Spears in an inpromptu press conference outside her New York home. "But I've moved on a little now; I'm a little more mature, and I think it's time for me to do something a little different."

The pop tart, who recently had to call off her Onyx Hotel Tour due to a bad knee injury, had moved her dancer boyfriend into her New York and Beverly Hills homes after her arthroscopic surgery. Earlier this year, she made headlines when she had a quickie wedding followed by a quicker divorce 55 hours later to hometown pal Jason Alexander.

"I've really looked inside myself, and I think I'm kind of a spiritual person," said Spears. "So this really seemed right. Also, I won't have to tour so much."

Instead of marrying Federline, Spears will be joining an Ursuline convent in her home state of Louisiana and beginning the process of becoming a nun.

"Let me tell you, no one is more surprised than I," said her mother, Lynne Spears. "The first marriage was a shock. The new engagement was a shock. But converting to Catholicism?" She shook her head sadly. "I thought I raised her better than that."

Spears, raised a traditional Southern Baptist, has recently been interested in Kabbalah, the trendy belief system embraced by Madonna. The 22-year-old went so far as to tattoo a series of Hebrew symbols on the nape of her neck in an act of devotion to Kabbalah; unfortunately for her the symbols are meaningless. Some have speculated that this spelling mishap made her rethink her spiritual path.

"I think it was mainly because Madonna changed her name to Esther," said entertainment critic Wanda Felton. "Britney was worried she would have to pick a similar name. She hates the name Esther."

The Ursulines have a long legacy in New Orleans; in the 275 years since they arrived in the city, they raised the literacy rate of women in the city to one of the highest in early America; provided a place for women and girls of diverse social and ethnic backgrounds to forge a shared identity; developed urban real estate; and perhaps most significantly, played a part in the emergence of a vital Afro-Catholic community in New Orleans.

It is not known if Spears would participate in the order's educational activities, though she has indicated the idea of being involved in teaching is "neat." She has also indicated that she would like to accelerate the normal process of joining the order.

"I know there's like this whole waiting period, and you become like a postulant first and then a novitiate, or is it the other way around? Anyway, I'm hoping if I donate a building or something I can just get nunned up right away," said Spears. "When something feels right, you don't want to have to wait to do it. You know?"

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