Vol. 8, Issue 4, May 11, 2010
The Joy of Liquid Shrimp!
SatireWire

Denver Happily Concedes Police Duties to Vigilante In Tights

Police in Denver are delighted that a new costumed vigilante has declared that the city is under his protection, saying that the arrival of 'Major Mile-High' is a substantial relief to the force.

"The fifteen hundred men and women in uniform we have protecting our streets in Denver are enormously pleased that the city has such a fantastic crime-fighting asset," said Denver Police Captain Thomas Bradford. "We may have professional training, years of experience, and a tightly integrated network of logistical support, but there's just no substitute for a guy in tights."

Major Mile-High first appeared a month ago, when he intervened in a hostage situation at a bank robbery.

"We did have the place surrounded with S.W.A.T. teams," said Officer Renée Sampson. "But while we were just negotiating for the release of the hostages, following proper police procedures and whatnot, Major Mile-High jumped into the middle and said 'Your account is overdrawn!' and then he punched a guy. I mean, yeah, then the hostages got shot, but wow. It was especially cool because he made, like, a bank joke, you know? And we were at a bank!"

As far as can be determined, the Major has the strength of five men, the ability to jump pretty high, and some resistance to small-arms fire.

"All we have is helicopters and kevlar vests," said Sampson. "And I mean, wow! The strength of five! We would have to, like, send in five men to do the same thing he does! Well, I guess he can only punch one person at a time, and the five men could, you know, punch five people. But whatever."

The Denver district attorney's office also expressed pleasure at the Major's activities.

"Formal arrests, with search warrants and Miranda rights and all, are very tedious," said Assistant DA Carl Steuben. "The Major, he leaves alleged perpetrators tied to lampposts with little post-it notes on them that say stuff like 'Justice served courtesy of Major Mile-High!'. Let me tell you, juries love little post-it notes from superheroes. That's about the most damning evidence you can bring into court, even though the notes don't usually say what the bad guys did. But that's okay!"

The city is so excited that it is considering reassigning its detectives and forensic specialists to desk duty, because they will be superfluous when it comes to captures made by Major Mile-High.

"I'll bet we won't have to collect clues anymore at all!" said Bradford. "I'm sure if there's anything important the Major will leave it tied to the villain's cape with some sort of ironic note, like if the weapon was a paddle, he could say 'This miscreant is going up the river without a paddle!' or something. I don't know, I haven't thought it through, but he could say something like that."

Major Mile-High, meanwhile, was last seen beating a strategic retreat from a squadron of drug runners in south Denver armed with automatic weapons.

"Go get 'em, Major!" said officer Sampson, waving from her patrol car.


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