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A Peerless Liniment Experience
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SWAT Team Deployed to House of Gregor Samsa

Police responded to a call from the Samsa household yesterday, where the manager of a local sales organization was reportedly threatened by an unusually large insect of indeterminate species. "We thought it was something we definitely needed to investigate," said Franz Hermann, local police captain. "I mean, you hear a story about a giant insect appearing in an apartment, the first word that comes to mind is, 'check'. So we did."

"I threw some apples at it, I think maybe I got it with one or more," said Samsa senior, a remarkably hale and hearty sixty-year-old who nevertheless claims disability retirement because of periodic indigestion. "I don't know where the heck my son went. He had better show up for work though, because I owe Verwandlung a little money and Gregor had better pay it back for me. That's what kids are for, to pay back the debts incurred by their parents."

Devil Complains that Facebook Changed Terms of Diabolical Contract

"I at no time specified that information about the thirteen Demons that Must Not Be Named could be resold to internet marketing corporations," Lucifer told reporters at his home in D.C. the other day. "The demons just cosigned the contract as witnesses! Now they're getting targeted spam and have all been automatically signed up with Farmville accounts!"

NASA Sends Tang on Final Mission

"The use of Tang has been largely justified in recent years by the fact that it can substitute for emergency coolant on the shuttle," admitted Bolden. "Even though astronauts have been disinclined to consume it for years, the fact that this liquid has been so versatile has been a strong point in its favor." Tang is reportedly not compatible with any of the fuel or coolant systems on the next-generation launch vehicles in production.

[Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.]

Saved From a Rainy Day

Like Most regions in the United States, we are periodically graced with a bit of Precipitation, which generations of Sailing Blood never fail to Apprise me of. 'Red sky in Morning, sailor's Warning!' is a tried-and-true Maxim to live by; and if crimson Overtones greet your day, one can always be Scientific about the thing and check the Barometer (of which I have five; one can Never keep too close an eye on Barometric Pressure!) Regardless, while one might not wish to be caught amidst a Downpour - unlike most Londoners, we Americans are rarely with umbrella to Hand - there are Few pleasures better than that of Working in a warm, dry Office with a crackling Fire while rain courses down over the mullioned Windows...

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