Vol. 2, Issue 4, January 27, 2004
Get Away From It All

Gondor Accepted into United Nations

The United Nations announced yesterday that the kingdom of Gondor has officially been granted member status effective February 1, 2004.

"We are very excited about bringing this stalwart nation into the fold," said Secretary General Kofi Annan. "I think this is a great day, not just for Gondor, but for all nations."

Gondor is a relatively small coastal kingdom which has received considerable media attention recently due to the Peter Jackson docu-drama. Although it claims a history thousands of years old, this marks the first time it has been officially recognized as a sovereign nation.

Some member states objected to the admission of Gondor on the grounds that it is not a real country. Annan brushed aside these concerns.

"Come on now," he replied. "Neither is Luxembourg, but we let them in. Besides, after seeing the magnificent infrastructure in the capital, Minas Tirith, I have no doubt that Gondor's dues, which will be based on its total GNP, will comprise a welcome addition to the U.N. budget."

Others speculate that the U.N. has other motives for admitting the reclusive kingdom.

"They really want a more effective peacekeeping force," said government affairs analyst Marshall Pepin of the RAND Institute. "The only nations willing to send troops anywhere under the United Nations flag are places like Belgium, which maintains an "army" solely for the purpose of sending on U.N. missions. America has made it pretty clear it doesn't like playing by anyone else's rules. Now, Gondor may be small, but one thing it does have is a crack military. Their equipment may not be as advanced as the Americans, but there's no denying they get the job done."

The White House has been cautiously receptive to the notion, although President Bush has expressed some reservations about the addition.

"Well, we're lovers of democracy here in the United States, and that's something I'd like to see brought to the Gondorian people," said Bush. "They've got a monarchy like Britain, but without the prime minister, which you really need. We'd be happy to send them some American history books if they want."

Gondor could not be reached for comment, because this reporter never actually finished the Return of the King and he assumes the phone number is at the end of the book.

The most enthusiastic nation about the admission is New Zealand.

"We're all for it," said Prime Minister Helen Clark. "Gondor's done wonders for us; it's time the world got a bit of the action as well."

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