Vol. 6, Issue 5, April 22, 2008
PsyStar Clones Steve Jobs; Hundreds Dead
A Miami-based company that began advertising clones of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs said that it was stunned by the worldwide response and couldn't take orders because its Web site had gone under.
"We had no idea that this would make people so angry," said PsyStar spokesman Mark Ratliffe, who seemed visibly shaken and sported a bandaged head. "We anticipated possible legal repercussions from Apple, but frankly didn't expect the backlash from the rest of the civilized world."
In fact, world markets reacted with horror as investors everywhere locked their doors and began stocking up on canned goods. PsyStar's website was swamped by a denial of service attack, apparently launched spontaneously by no less than nineteen "white hat" hacker groups around the world, and the website has not been restored. During the brief time the website was functioning, it listed Steve Jobs clones for $399, mock turtleneck included.
"Actually, it was so easy to clone him that we wondered why no one had done it before," said the wincing Ratliffe, who said PsyStar had used a hair from the entrepreneur's beard as a source of genetic material. "Then we realized what a horrible, horrible thing we had done. I only hope that history forgives us, or at least that the district attorney's office."
PsyStar expected that businesses would jump at the chance to acquire some of Job's legendary quirky Silicon Valley entrepreneurship. Instead, they collectively recoiled, and the clones allegedly smashed out of PsyStar's production facility in Florida, forcing the high-tech company to temporarily relocate to a warehouse which doesn't even have the company name on front.
"The clones... they think they're unstoppable," said Fortune magazine reporter Ted March. "Jobs is one of Silicon Valley's leading egomaniacs - the original one, that is. Early reports indicate that the PsyStar copies share this trait, in spades. Creating a bunch of Jobs clones is sort of like dropping a truckload of supervillains at the side of the road. Nothing good can come of it, I assure you."
While the original Steve Jobs enjoys the luxury - and protection - of a major high-tech empire, his clones have no such benefit, allegedly leading them to alarming and somewhat desperate behavior.
"One of them said he would remake PsyStar into a company worth something," said Ratliffe. "That's when he hit us on the head with a bowling pin and let loose the other clones. There was a big melee, someone accused someone else of stealing his iPhone - I can't remember all that much to be honest. Some of them put on big black capes, and they spent a lot of time shouting villainous clichés at each other."
PsyStar may have created as many as 300 clones before its production facility was shut down. At least a hundred of them staged a riot in downtown Miami which was only contained by police after a nine-hour standoff resulting in hundreds of casualties.
Apple itself has issued no official comment. Reportedly, the original Steve Jobs left a board meeting abruptly upon receiving the news, grabbing a samurai sword off the wall as he raced downstairs to his private plane.
"There can be only one," he said as he left Apple's headquarters in Cupertino. "Don't worry. This won't take long."