Vol. 7, Issue 2, October 6, 2009
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot

Nevada Woman Wants To Know Why She Isn't Part of Conspiracy

The world is filled with vast, centuries-old conspiracies, according to Nevada resident Ingrid Boughner, and she wants to know why she isn't a part of any of them.

"I'm well-connected among the working moms of Palm Drive here, and I'm really good at keeping secrets - I didn't say a thing when Melinda got liposuction last April, for example, and pretended to be recovering from a skiing accident," said Boughner. "I think I'd do pretty well as a mid-level person in one of these secret conspiracies, you know, something with gold and ancient art and stuff like that."

Boughner began her complaint after the publication of Dan Brown's recent bestseller, The Lost Symbol, which reveals a vast international plot involving everyone from the Freemasons to the makers of Marshmallow Peeps. She was incensed to learn that the Hard Rock Casino, where she works as a card dealer, was tied to the Freemasons and hence implicated in Brown's latest list of organizations involved in a vast conspiracy.

"I've been through every one of Brown's exposés, and by my count, the only organizations of any size left in the United States that aren't part of a conspiracy are Piggly Wiggly, Huggy's Bar-B-Q restaurant down in Reno, and, for some reason, NASA," said Boughner. She showed her calculations, which - using research gleaned from the internet - estimate that approximately 304 million people in the United States are involved in one or more of the conspiracies.

"It's incredibly frustrating because no one I know will admit to being a part of any of this," fumed Boughner. "My husband belongs to the Elks lodge, for crying out loud, but just rolls his eyes at me whenever I ask about their connection to the ancient Merovingian line that's secretly subverting the organized religions of the Western world. He says they're 'too busy bowling' to subvert anything. As if I'd believe that. Only one person can bowl at a time, you know. What are the rest of them doing with all their time?"

Boughner has posted an advertisement on Craigslist noting that she has a toolshed with 'an empty box labeled Christmas ornaments' suitable for hiding some clue or other, and that she does not mind meetings after midnight 'if that's what's needed to perpetuate the cause, whatever it might be.' She also volunteers the fact that she makes 'very good mac and cheese.'

"I think I'd be a great asset to any secret conspiracy," she said wistfully. "Especially something involving cats."

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