Vol. 1, Issue 12, August 5, 2003
My Cravat Is Trying To Kill Me
I met with my Physician, Dr. Watson, for a Routine Physical the other day; whereby I learned some most Shocking news. Namely, I was told that recent Evidence notes that the typical Cravat, the Necktie worn by Respectable Males everywhere, can lead to Disorders of the Eyes, including Glaucoma.
Now, John has been the faithful Steward of my Health for many a Year; but I was so Loathe to accept this most recent Finding that I nearly sought a Second Opinion. Such being, ultimately, Superfluous, I endeavored to learn More at the Club. It turns out that the Constriction to those Veins and Vessels which import most Vital Fluids to the Brain, which a simple Neckerchief can Impart, may also lead to Dropsy, Dissolution, and - in the Gentler Sex - an intractable case of the Vapors. Fortunate are We that the Female of our species chooses not to Emulate the Mannish Manner of dress, for such an Epidemic of Vapors would then ensue as to Cripple the Homesteads of our very Nation.
Naturally, I rushed to my habitual Haberdashery for expert Advice. Not surprisingly, the new Information was being kept Quiet; neither was any useful Advice forthcoming. Woe is me, for my faithful silk Cravat has been carefully knotted at my tender Gorge for my entire Adult Life. What damage have I wrought, and worse, what damage is being incurred by those for whom I care?
My foresighted Nephew, Ephram, most Fortunately wears no Necktie; and though long have I chastised him for this Lapse, entreating him to at Least wear a Shirt of some kind, I now see that there is Wisdom in the bold actions of Youth. Moreover, to be on the safe side, I have Forbade the Presence of such perilous Neckwear in our Offices; and to be extra Safe, I have asked our lone representative from the Other sex, Elisabeth, to refrain from wearing Anything at All which could impede the Healthful Flow of Blood to her dainty head and delicate upper Chest. She has to my relief Complied to an extent which might excite Scandal in some circles (though her innate Modesty does Prevail sufficiently that my lascivious Nephew is disappointed), but which reflects the Modern and thoroughly Healthful attitude of our diligent Workplace.
But I, alas, am a creature of Habit; and so, unable to Forgo this masculine Vanity entirely, I have taken to Pasting my Cravat to the Plackets of my Shirt, a practice that regrettably necessitates the Purchase of a new Shirt and Necktie every Day. However, there can be no Price put upon Health. Do you, good Sirs and Gentlewomen, please Attend to the Vascular Health of your Heads forthwith, and cease knotting the offending Silk about your Necks. For medical Science is rarely Wrong, and Vanity must ever bow, in an intelligent Society, before the March of Progress.