Vol. 3, Issue 23, November 8, 2005
"Prince" Arrested In California Turns Out to be Real Deal
A man arrested over the weekend in San Francisco on suspicion of fraud was released when authorities determined that he was, in fact, royalty from a country called "England."
"It turns out that England is a place across the Atlantic Ocean, somewhere near Russia," said San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, scratching his head. "Apparently, that's where this Tony Blair fellow is from too. I always thought Blair was the governor of Minnesota."
The man who identified himself as "Prince Charles" presented himself at an elementary school in Berkeley for a tour with his wife. School officials grew immediately suspicious when he said he was the "Prince of Whales."
"I never heard such a made-up title: he didn't look remotely cetacean," sniffed Albert Rose, school principal. "There was absolutely nothing about his appearance that suggested royalty. His suit didn't fit right, he looked about fifty years old, and he seemed about as photogenic as a flat tire."
The woman he was traveling with, who gave her name as Camilla, also raised suspicions among officials. Although she was carrying a tiara, comprehensive analysis by regional princess experts (from the Disney store) concluded that "Camilla is no princess," lacking the requisite flowing hair, non-threatening innocent beauty, and clever diminutive sidekick. In all, Camilla and Charles are a singularly unprepossessing couple.
However, appearances can be deceiving. "Turns out that in the country they come from, they're good-looking," said Newsom.
The revelation that "England" is a real kingdom raises the question that there may be still more countries outside the borders of the United States. Some historians and liberals have contended for years that there many be as many as several dozen other countries, though most experts think the total is much lower.
"The implications are worrisome," admitted Franklin Stein, professor of history at Stanford University. "Right now we don't have a clear sense of what's real and what's not. Some nations are obviously fictional, such as the Check Republic, Fin-Land, and Turkey... but there are others that may be real, such as 'France,' which we hear has cheese and may be on fire at the moment. We don't know anything about these places, their language, their culture, or their philosophy. Who has the time to learn this?"
The strange prince and his bride returned to England, or possibly another country called "Britun" (they were unclear about this), leaving more questions in their wake than they answered. Government officials reassured America, however, that the surprising discovery of these strange royals would not impact the nation.
"I feel safe in saying that what happens elsewhere really doesn't affect us here," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "We've always felt that way, and I see no reason to change our outlook now."