Vol. 4, Issue 3, March 28, 2006
Box-Office Hits Prove Arctic Ice Shelf "Okee-Dokee", Says Panel
A Presidential advisory panel has assured an increasingly nervous public that the polar ice caps are not, in fact, melting, and that the recently alleged risks of rising sea levels are "grossly alarmist".
"We're not accusing those making these unfounded statements of activist recklessness," said Joleen Umbridge, chair of the Climate Advisory Board. "They may just have overlooked a few things. It happens to the best of us."
The panel's conclusions are based on a careful examination of all films published in the last 60 years including scenes of snow and ice, ranging from classics such as Citizen Kane to recent films such as Ice Age. The analysis demonstrated that there has actually been an increase of snow and ice during this time.
"Pictures don't lie, as everyone knows," said Umbridge, a social studies teacher and mother of four from Knoxville, TN. "If anything, we find that the quality of snow and ice has been improving over the last few decades. Snow in the old movies looks almost artificial compared to what you see nowadays. Whatever we're doing to the environment, it's working."
The panel's conclusions raised eyebrows around the scientific community, which has been documenting evidence of global warming for some time.
"The record shown in the ice core studies has clearly demonstrated that we are very close to seeing elevated sea levels," said Connie Bryce of the US National Center for Atmospheric Research. "I find it really disturbing that the President is relying on Hollywood for data rather than, you know, any actual verifiable evidence."
Bryce was in fact on this very panel until 2004, when she was dismissed and replaced with a tax lawyer from Lubbock, Texas.
"Are there even any climatologists left on that board?" she said in exasperation. There are, in fact, no fewer than three local weathermen on the board, as well as a camping-equipment retailer, a Bible studies teacher, and a landscape artist who specializes in Christian-themed snowscapes.
"There are many sources of expertise beyond the narrow definition of "conventional" experts," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "We think the Climate Advisory Board has brought a valuable and, frankly, underreported perspective to the table." He dismissed the notion that the Administration has engaged in a policy of systematically stifling dissent from its science advisors and appointing people to advisory panels based on their political or theological views.
"The record speaks for itself," insisted Umbridge. "The ice and snow are just as abundant today as they were sixty years ago. And I'd stake my professional reputation on that."
In response, Bryce said simply that she doesn't play penny-ante poker.