Vol. 2, Issue 40, December 7, 2004
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot
The Specious Report

U.S. to Deploy Converted Aircraft Carrier with Wheels in Iraq

President Bush has announced that the United States will be deploying an entirely new class of military vehicle in northern Iraq, in an effort to quell opposition once and for all.

"American forces have been successful wherever they've gone, but the fact is we've had to send in additional troops over and over to reinforce that success," said Bush in a press conference on Monday. "And I thought it was time we took a bigger step, took things to the next level, so the foes of democracy would give up once and for all."

The president's plan involves converting a nuclear aircraft carrier into an all-terrain vehicle with 800 monster truck tires. The resulting vehicle would be the largest and most powerful land-based vehicle ever built, at over 1,040 feet long, with two onboard nuclear reactors producing over one million horsepower.

"When they see the old U.S.S. Carl Vinson chugging up the road, I think those insurgents will think twice about fighting against Americans and our friends," chuckled Bush. "It will make a statement, that's for sure."

The controversial plan has raised eyebrows both in the U.S. and abroad. Some question whether putting wheels on an aircraft carrier would serve any useful military purpose whatsoever.

"Well for one thing the Carl Vinson would make a pretty damn big target," said retired general Andre Mullin. "The phrase 'broad side of a barn' comes to mind. Pretty much anything those insurgents throw at it will hit. And if they give it a flat tire, the Vinson is in trouble. Where in God's name are you going to find a jack big enough to change a tire on that thing?"

The Navy is also protesting the plan, since the loss of a nuclear carrier group would represent a marked reduction in strength.

"I don't care if we'd still have a sixfold advantage over every other naval power on earth with the loss of the Carl Vinson group," said Admiral Vern Clark, Chief of Naval Operations. "If we keep the Vinson group, we have a sevenfold advantage, and dammit, seven's a lucky number and six is not."

There is also the question of what driving such a vehicle would do to Iraq's already crumbling roads, and whether traffic laws would be applicable to something with a stopping distance of 2 miles. But the president is not budging from his proposal.

"I don't care what the naysayers are saying," said Bush stubbornly. "We're going to drive this bad boy through Fallujah as soon as Halliburton does the conversion. And I've already placed the order for a twenty-foot Christian fish sticker to put on the back bumper. Believe me, the Vinson will blaze a trail for democracy and freedom, Texas-style. Hope I get a chance to drive it."

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