Vol. 1, Issue 13, August 12, 2003
U.S. Says Diplomacy, Not War, Answer to Mordor's WMD
The United States will continue to consult with Europe, China and Russia and stay the diplomatic course to convince the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie, to abandon its weapons programs, President Bush said Friday.
"I believe the situation with Mordor will be resolved peacefully," Bush said to reporters at his ranch in Texas. "As I said, it's a diplomatic issue, not a military issue, and we're working all fronts. We are working with friends and allies in the region to explain clearly to Sauron and his minions that it's not in their nation's interest to develop and proliferate weapons of mass destruction."
Mordor last week announced it was resuming operations at Mount Doom, a facility allegedly capable of producing weapons-grade plutonium, weapons-grade aluminum, and even weapons-grade toast if Sauron so chooses. It also expelled a team of arms inspectors from the United Nations, which was monitoring the mountain, via catapults. Their fate is not known.
"It is unconscionable that America should be so quick to use military action in Iraq, a nation which allegedly posed an alleged threat because of unseen weapons of mass destruction, and is pussyfooting around Mordor, a nation which has actual trolls devouring anyone who crosses the border," said Roald Walker, another U.N. Weapons Inspector. Walker and his team of eight international experts, often called Walker's Nine, have been trying for years to gain access to Mount Doom, but have been refused permission by Sauron's Lieutenant. It has been alleged that the United States is reluctant to initiate military action with Mordor because of potentially heavy casualties.
"There is no question but that the American military would win," said military analyst Ludwig Russonello. "With the exception of the Nazgul, Sauron's air force is literally nonexistent. However, his armies are less than three hours away from the city of Gondor, and it is likely that hundreds of thousands of casualties would take place before the U.S. could bring the orcs under control. That's quite unpalatable, from a political perspective."
Mordor's economy remains in shambles. It has virtually no exports and no internationally recognized currency; the principal source of national income appears to be international aid and plunder. However, this has not stopped Mordor's reclusive head of state from constructing a luxury citadel, Barad-Dur, which observers say is probably comparable to Saddam Hussein's primary palace in Baghdad.
"We refuse any discussion that is not with the full U.N. Security Council," said Mordor spokesperson William Gates. "After all, international law should apply equally. One law to rule us all, one law to bind us. We want the United States held accountable for the unlawful persecution of the Dark Lord, and for the illicit use of his name in popular media. Also, we want $100 billion dollars and some fresh virgins."
President Bush dismissed this belligerent rhetoric with a smile, and when asked about Russian satellite photos indicating large-scale troop movements in Mordor, he declined to comment.
"Look, I know we'll work this out peacefully," said Bush. "In fact, as a gesture of goodwill, we will be returning some historical artifacts to Mordor from the Smithsonian, including some rare jewelry that has been lost in the storerooms for ages. I anticipate that this goodwill gesture will really help move things along with Sauron."