Vol. 6, Issue 3, April 8, 2008
Airport Security Confiscates Olympic Torch
The troubled world tour of the Olympic torch hit its biggest roadblock yet as it was confiscated by airport security officers at San Francisco International Airport.
"We received a report of an individual bearing a large flaming object," said Transportation Security Administration officer Barney Napolitano. "TSA officers responded ot the report and readily identified the object in question, which appeared to be a potentially fatalistic instrument that was in a flamular condition with burnination in progress. We now have the instrument and its associate, that is to say the suspicious looking person of interest carrying it, in custody."
The person carrying the torch, International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge, was not amused.
"The reason I am using my one phone call to alert the media, rather than my attorney, is that the world needs to see the plight of the torch, and act to restore the procession to its rightful status as a gesture of international goodwill and sportsmanship," he said on the phone from an undisclosed TSA holding facility. "Also, I don't have my attorney's number on me, so could someone please call the law offices of Stroup and Gruyere for me?"
China, which is hosting the 2008 Olympics, had originally hoped that the torch relay would serve to highlight China's triumphal emergence as a global power. But the tour has turned into a high-profile fiasco as protesters angry over the Chinese crackdown in Tibet, intolerance for political dissent, environmental degradation and other issues have hounded the torch relay in every city it has passed through. The confiscation of the torch by TSA, however, represents a new low for the world relay.
"This is actually a little ironic," said news analyst Marvin Goldstein, "that China, which is under fire for its totalitarianism, has been brought up short by the TSA, which has developed into a dysfunctional agency of genuinely Orwellian proportions. Lord only knows what they did with the torch."
There are reports in fact that the torch was officially classified as a 'slow-burning explosive device' and detonated by a TSA bomb squad in a ravine off the San Francisco Bay, where confiscated toothpaste tubes, mouthwash, and other flammable materials are disposed of.
Protestors who had scaled the Golden Gate Bridge with various banners in anticipation of the relay had mixed reactions about the news.
"Man, it took me six hours to get up here," said Garvin Stone, who was perched atop a suspension cable on the bridge with a piñata filled with anti-China slogans and candy. "I hope they get the whole thing straightened out so we can protest properly."
While the torch may be gone, it does appear that Rogge may be released from custody shortly, as with the destruction of the torch TSA no longer has the evidence needed to hold him.
"We act quickly in the interests of securitization and American freedomocracy," said officer Napolitano. "Sometimes that results in the unfortunate destructing of certain evidentiary items which could be used in a prosecutorial manner. But I think we've made a point, in any event. And maybe we can keep the suspect in custody anyway even without the evidence. It's a lot easier to do that now than it used to be."