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Volume 6, Issue 8, September 23, 2008

Bo Peep Loses Sheep to Gamboling Problem

Renowned shepherdess Bo Peep has admitted that she has been losing sheep not to wolves or rustlers, as was previously reported, but to a persistent gamboling problem that has claimed more than half of the sheep .

"The truth is, for them, it's all about the green," said the diminutive Peep. "And specifially, the green on the other side of the fence. It's rather depressing."

Suspicions that things were awry with the flock arose earlier this year with the revelation that Bo Peep was using a crook to manage the flock, sparking an investigation which ultimately concluded that the shepherdess had no knowledge of any malfeasance.

"Although I was exonerated quicker than two shakes of a lamb's tail, the investigation really interfered with our operations this year," said Bo Peep. "It's quite unfair. Any time a shepherd is involved, they think we're trying to fleece the public, or pull the wool over everyone's eyes."

Supporters have flocked to Bo Peep's side as she has come under increasingly public scrutiny in recent months, noting that gamboling is a widespread problem not restricted to sheep.

"Goats, dogs, even children have been known to gambol," said Mary Ovis, the former child star. "And in contrast, some sheep are very steadfast and dependable. I can say for a fact that the lamb I got from Bo Peep as a child was extremely obedient. It never left my side, even at school."

Despite the show of support for the beleaguered shepherdess, lawmakers have begun talking about increasing accountability and restricting gamboling activities among domestic flocks.

"The woman is just avoiding her responsibilities," said Congressman Lincoln Merino. "Lord knows that counting sheep is hardly an exciting task - quite the contrary. But Ms. Peep simply cannot allow such activities to claim so many of her charges. It's also a matter of jurisdiction: some of these gambolers are also frisking. Frisking is a matter best left to qualified law enforcement personnel. And let's not get into the cavorting."

Bo Peep has stressed that hasty legislation is not the answer.

"Before they try to ram through a new set of policies, I think it's important to ruminate on the full ramifications," she said in a recent entry on her blog. "For one thing, I don't think that internet gamboling is quite the moral threat that the media has made it out to be. It's no worse than hitting the 'I feel lucky' button on Google."

Whether the sheep can be brought back from their excessive gamboling is still uncertain.

"We all have faith in Bo Peep, but there are limits to what we can tolerate," said Merino. "At some point, we have to wonder if they're not just gamboling, but actually on the lam."

Current Issue: Vol. 8, Issue 1, February 9, 2010

Supervillain Angered By Obama's Reputation as Greatest Threat to America

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State of Massachusetts Hung Over, Can't Recall January

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Synthesthete Complains About Off-color Jokes

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Nailing Down the Problem in Washington

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