Special Issue by the Littlest Watleys, September 2010
American Workers' Egos Removed
It was announced Saturday that an elite cult of billionaire businessmen, who wished to remain unnamed, announced that they had succeeded in creating the perfect factory worker: ego-less and personality-less. The worker, John Smith, replied in an even, calm tone, "Excuse me, sir. may I take your coat?" The leader of the cult then asked whether the worker would like a raise. "Why, no sir.", Mr. Smith replied, "As a matter of fact, you don't have to give me any money. I'm sure it'll go to a good cause."
It is widely expected for these industrious new workers to hit hardware stores around December, and there are rumors that the cult is improving a device that will turn ordinary people into calm, monotone-speaking workers. John Smith was put to work immediately in an automobile factory owned by one of the society, and dropped dead after working for 10 days nonstop.
"Now, this is what I'm talking about!" said the factory owner and member of the cult. "With the old workers, it was only 'Please, sir! My foot's stuck and I'm being pulled into that giant stamping machine,sir!' With these new workers, they'll drop dead before they complain, leaving me free to press my gold coins into busts of my head."
"I concur", said Bill Gates, who is believed to be a member of the cult. "I can make these workers check every computer in the line for loose cables, and they don't make a peep! Soon my plan to eliminate anyone who has ever crossed me with killer Microsoft robots will be complete! Watch out, Linus Torvalds - I'm coming for you! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The remaining "perfect workers" could not be reached for comment, although it is believed that they are either working calmly in the factory assembly lines, or perishing calmly in the factory stamping machines, welding torches, and giant spinning buzz-saw blades.
