Ezekiel Franklin Watley, Esq. attended a distinguished college in the Northeast, followed by a distinguished law school with a rather dodgy cafeteria, and then enjoyed a long and mostly unremarkable career as a criminal defense attorney; he remains a partner in the law firm of Oldham, Watley, and Solomon, although the firm handles few cases. Watley is known as a scrupulously honest, enthusiastic attorney, who brings a dash of joie de vivre to even the dreariest of court cases: his clients are loyal to a fault, even the ones he defends repeatedly without success. He has enjoyed periodic brief stints in politics, running as a write-in candidate for Governor of California in 2003; in 2005-6 he was appointed as ambassador to a small equatorial nation, where he made waves with unseemly generosity until he was recalled shortly thereafter. He also holds a "Jeffersonian Seat" on the Electoral College. When he is not wrangling his staff and penning rambling editorials, he continues to practice law and imbibe large quantities of high-quality scotch.

Ephram Watley is Ezekiel's nephew, a regrettably larcenous fellow whose rakish charm often, though not always, serves to extricate himself from trouble. His offhand suggestion that his uncle invest in an internet-based news publication has led to an unexpectedly long period of employment. His preferred method of journalism involves napping on the couch living off various foodstuffs concealed about the office, roused from his torpor only by the occasional get-rich-quick scheme. Since the day he was hired, he has been attempting to get his hands on both his uncle's chequebook and his collection of fine scotch; he has so far failed to obtain either. In one of his more ambitious moments, he turned the employee lounge into a distillery. Ephram is responsible for most of the political coverage in the Review, as well as some of the more obscure or downright surreal articles. He is famously incapable of maintaining the anonymity of his anonymous sources.

Emmett Waters, a former semi-professional rugby player and professional bookmaker, is the resident sports correspondent. His career on the now-defunct Strawboaters team ended with the infamous "black knickers" scandal that brought down the North Coast Rugby Union in '94. Despite invoking the Fifth Amendment a record eighty-five times during the ensuing Congressional investigation, Emmett himself was never convicted of wrongdoing. He is a man of few words, which explains the paucity of sports coverage to be found in the pages of the Review. Ezekiel has, on at least one occasion, mistaken Emmett for a pirate and attacked him with his walking stick. Fortunately, the stick - which was a valuable antique - emerged unscathed from the encounter.

Ernest Wardwell has four academic degrees, five outstanding warrants, and two curiously shaped moles, although it is unknown whether these attributes are related in any way. Laconic in person, with a slightly furtive look about him, he is gratuitously verbose in print, particularly where the subject concerns obscure literary, philosophical, or scientific matters. His proclivity for betting on horses (badly) first brought him into Ephram's acquaintance; Ephram suggested that his uncle hire Ernest in order to enhance the Review's depth, journalistic credibility, and spelling. Ernest has attempted to list the cost of his absinthe spoons as a tax deduction for nine years running, and has correspondingly incurred nine successive audits.

Elisabeth (with an 's', thank you very much) is unique among the staff of the Review for her charm, her grace, and her unquestioned quiet competence. A former intern at Oldham, Watley, and Solomon, Elisabeth - second cousin once removed to Ezekiel - opted to eschew the humdrum routine of the law office for the more dynamic and challenging atmosphere of the Review's bustling newsroom. She possesses an admirable skill set, including everything from difference engine upkeep to European diplomacy. (Moreover, her coffee is without peer, and her knowledge of single-malt scotch is second only to Ezekiel's.) Ezekiel suspects that she spends some of her spare time writing best-selling crime novels under a nom de plume, but keeps his suspicions to himself. Since Elisabeth got married in 2008 to a stupefyingly pleasant and noble young man, she has taken more frequent sabbaticals from the Review, but always returns in the end to sort the scotch and bail out Ephram.

Colonel Worthington, a White-headed Capuchin monkey (cebus capucinus), first made his appearance in 2005, as a gift to Ephram from Ezekiel's cousin Esther: she reasoned that organ-grinding would be a suitable profession for the shiftless Ephram. However this career plan suited neither Ephram nor his new simian accomplice, and the wayward youth set about teaching the monkey how to pick pockets, cheat at cards, and identify the best bottles of scotch. He even crafted a lending institution with Colonel Worthington at its head which dealt in subprime mortgages, an institution that received a substantial government bailout. The Colonel's larcenous proclivities notwithstanding, Ezekiel admires him for his cleverness and impeccable taste in clothes, and occasionally invites the Capuchin to share some of the better scotch.